Trim the fat (or Crazymaker Part Deux)

“So what’s this I hear about you going to New Orleans for Christmas?”

“Yes. I’m going to visit my family. But I’m here for Christmas; I don’t leave until the 26th.”

“But I thought you said you were going to be here for Christmas?”

“I am. I don’t leave until the 26th.”

(Keep in mind, that this year was NOT supposed to be her year for Christmas anyway. We originally had plans to go to NOLA, but they kind of fell apart. However, I was able to work out going alone with the kids).

“But I thought we discussed this already. . . . when your mom was in town, you said you were going to be here.”

“I AM. I don’t leave until the 26th. I’m here for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I leave the day after.”

“Well, I’m just disappointed because you said you would be here for Christmas.”

“I AM! I don’t leave until the 26th!”

“I’m just disappointed.”

“You do know that this was not even supposed to be your year for Christmas. . . .”

“I’m just disappointed because you said you were going to be here for Christmas. This is going to be a hard one. . . .”

“I understand. . . but–”

“Well if [your husband] is going to be late you may want to think about driving yourself to Christmas Eve dinner.”

Dial tone.

(I could go on, but it would literally take me hours to tell you how the other parts of that conversation went).

My mother-in-law is. . . . Well, she is a Crazymaker. She most definitely suffers from one (or more) personality disorders–as do I, but at least I know it and try to control them. Every phone conversation, every face-to-face interaction ends with me seething on the inside. Fortunately (or in this case, unfortunately?), society frowns upon abusing the elderly. This is not the cliched sour daughter-in-law/mother-in-law relationship. This is someone who taints any and every deep relationship she has. And I wouldn’t be the first to cut her from my life.

She is Narcissism at its finest: the world revolves around her and her needs only. In her 69 years of life she’s managed to create a reality in which she is the perpetual victim; everyone is out to get her, no one listens to what she wants.

For two weeks I tried to make plans with her to watch my son, for us to come over and make her dinner when she gets home from work and for us to make Christmas cookies and a ginger bread house. All those times she either cancelled at the last minute or made up some bogus story about how “busy” she was and would need to get back to me. I am tired of being lied to and lied about to others. I am tired of the manipulation. I’m tired of her trying to make me feel guilty about the lack of time she spends with us and her grandchildren, when in reality, it’s HER that keeps herself from spending time with family. I’m tired of her chronic inability to be on time for any commitment she does actually follow through with. I’m tired of trying to make my world revolve around hers and her not expressing any gratitude for it.

Senility? I wish. Then I would have more compassion. But this is just how she is. With all of the things I have going on in my life, I have no extra energy to spend on her negativity.

But she is family. And her husband just died 2 months ago. And she lives alone. And I don’t believe she has any real friends (because people who behave like that have no real friends, just people who tolerate and enable her manipulative behavior). And if I don’t put forth the effort, then she’ll never see her grandchildren. But isn’t that just a consequence from which she should have to suffer?

I can’t get rid of her completely–we only live 20 minutes away from her. She’s my husband’s mother. She’s the grandmother of my children. But I have resolved to only deal with her on my terms. Because the only person I can control is myself. I’m taking the path of least resistance on this one.

Selection Sunday

Albert Camus

“You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.”

“You cannot create experience. You must undergo it.”

“In order to understand the world, one has to turn away from it on occasion”

“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.”

“To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others”

“Men must live and create. Live to the point of tears.”

Canned Heat

A voice whispers gently
of dreams deferred
in my ear–
I hear it.

I used to spend every summer at my grandparents’ home in Atlanta. Besides the heat, afternoon thunderstorms, and walks to the bus stops with my grandfather, I remember being there for the ‘96 Olympics. I was sooooo obsessed with the girls on the gymnastics team; Dominique Dawes was my hero. I always wanted to be a gymnast, a dancer. I just was never given the opportunity.

In high school I tried to be a cheerleader; my mom said no. I played basketball and ran track instead and secretely memorized all the chants. Junior year I tried out for the dance team–with zero training (unless you count hours spent in front of the tv teaching myself choreographed dances from music videos). I had an early solo tryout because I had to run the 4 by 4 later that week. As if I wasn’t already pissing in my pants from nervousness, the glaring looks from the dance instructors didn’t help either. “What is this black girl, who plays basketball, and runs track, and who has NEVER danced in her life, doing here?” I couldn’t remember all of the choreography. Oh well. At least my switch-leaps were pretty decent and I could do a left and right-leg split.

Throughout my life I’ve made various attempts at dance–dancing that didn’t occur on top of a bar (I’ve done plenty of that). And then I get discouraged; I feel silly and too old; I distrust my body. But it’s just such a deep-rooted desire that I have never been able to completely let it go.

I’ve got canned heat in my heels.

Crazymaker

Crazymaker–those personalities that create storm centers.
*Crazymakers break deals and destroy schedules.
*Crazymakers expect special treatment.
*Crazymakers discount your reality.
*Crazymakers spend your time and money.
*Crazymakers triangulate those they deal with.
*Crazymakers are expert blamers.
*Crazymakers create dramas–but seldom where they belong.
*Crazymakers hate schedules–except their own.
*Crazymakers hate order.
*Crazymakers deny that they are crazymakers.
-The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron

Chances are you probably have one of these in your life. And with the holiday season upon us, you are probably going to be spending time with this Crazymaker–I know I have to. . . . Which brings me to my question about family and relationships: at what point would you cut a family member from your life?

If the behavior would be unacceptable in a regular friendship, isn’t it still unacceptable in a mother/father/brother/sister? Why do we cut blood-relations more slack? Out of love? Out of compassion? But if you never cut them out, don’t you just enable the behavior?

This is all kind of cryptic, I know. Perhaps when I figure out some answers, I will be able to expound. So if you have the time, please let me know your thoughts to the questions above…

Encouragement

Oh yay, it’s Wishcasting Wednesday!

Today’s question: What do you wish to give?

This one came so easily to me this morning. . . .

I wish to give encouragement–to my children; to my husband; to friends, old and new; and to myself. I just think the world would be a much better place if instead of criticising or belittling or ignoring, we all just encouraged. I wish to give my encouragement to all those who dare to dream, dare to live.

The path of least resistance

*Disclaimer–Apparently the title of this post is also the name of a series of books and principles by Robert Fritz. I have not read any of his materaial. Any similarities between his material and what I am about to write are completely coincidental.*

I made this my motto, a mantra to say to myself when all of a sudden my heart starts to beat faster and my mind races. And instead of just telling myself that I need to be more conscious of my choices, I actually started making those conscious choices. Actually, ever since I renounced the pop-psych and self-help lit, I’ve been living less in my head and more in my body.

Monday we did some Christmas/House shopping. I must admit that I felt rather Scrooge-like that night as I wrapped gifts for my son. I want to live with intention and I felt very conflicted about the message I felt I was sending. I didn’t grow up with a lot of tradition or big Christmases, however my husband did. Tradition is fine–tradition is great. I just wished that his tradition wasn’t so steeped in commercialism and materialism. But it may be hard to change this for him. So, wooosaaa…path of least resistance: I’ll step downoff my soapbox and let him have his fun.

Besides, it is Christmas, after all.

Selection Sunday

from Style Statement

Make more choices–moment to moment, day to day. You are the designer of your life. Be selective, creative, and intentional in every way possible.

2010: The Year of Genuinely Bold

Synchronicity. If I had to sum up the past 2 weeks in one word, that’s what it would be.

I was mulling over the purpose of resolutions–as I’m sure most of us are at this time of year–when I read Meredith’s post, The Anti-Resolution Resolution. It was like I was reading my own thoughts, but in someone else’s (much more coherent) words. And in that post, she referenced this post on Christine Kane’s blog. Long story short, it’s about forgetting resolutions (because none of us stick to them any way) and choosing a word to live by for that year. Brilliant, right?

So I’m throwing out resolutions, using my dreams as my guide, and living life Genuinely and Boldly. Ok. I know, it’s two words. But it seems so appropo that I found these words–words that define an authentic me (thank you Style Statement and Danielle LaPorte)–not too long ago. I mean, seriously, I’ve changed a lot of things in the three weeks that I’ve been living Genuinely Bold so I can only imagine what 52 weeks would do.

What about you? What word do you want to embrace, to live, to help guide you through the next new year?

*Read some great reflections each day this month on Christine’s blog from readers who lived by a word in 2009.

Perfectly Imperfect

Skipping toddler naps in favor of lunch with an adult.

Cleaning the bathrooms twice this week even though I promised myself that I wasn’t going to be so obsessive about toilets.

Drinking way more coffee than I should so that I can stay up and talk with my husband after he comes home from work.

Letting the toddler stay up way too late so that I can dance to and sing along with a live John Mayer performance.

Just a few ways in which the past few days have been so perfectly imperfect.

Shine Soul Shine